The Daily Groove
The Joy of Being Known 
by Scott Noelle, posted on 2006-06-14
Think of a beloved friend or family member who knows you so well s/he can practically "read your mind." Someone who knows what pleases you without having to ask.
Doesn't it feel good to be known like that?
Children naturally want to be known by their parents in that way. But parents inadvertently weaken that connection when they constantly ask their kids what they want.
The idea that it's rude not to ask comes from our culture of alienation. In cultures of intimacy, to be asked one's preferences is to be treated like a stranger.
Today, whenever you're about to ask your child's preference, first ask yourself if you already know enough to make a choice that will please him or her. If not, go ahead and ask. If so, act without asking.
If your child objects to your decision, simply take in the new "data" and adjust course, this time or the next. Now you know your child a little better.
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asking kids what they want
Wow Scott! My son often gets annoyed with me when I ask him what he wants. Sometimes he just doesn't respond at all. I have tried to reduce the amount that I do it simply because it's obvivous that it annoys him but I haven't really understood what it's about. It's another cultural blindspot I guess similar to Naomi Aldort saying that most children don't like being tickled WHAT? it's part of being a child in our culture, & yet my son has made it very clear he hates it. In a similar way we think why wouldn't a child want to constantly be asked what they want? Because there is something better. I recently watched a new version of Jane Eyre on TV when Jane (who had a very love deprived childhood) is defending the man she loves she says, "He was the first to recognise me & to love what he saw"
The words stayed with me because I thought that's what I want to give my son.
Thanks Scott
Being known is intimate
I like this one. What it makes me think of are the times that I DO act without asking my son first. His face lights up and I get a "Thank you, Mom!" because of the desire/need/want that has been fulfilled without him even expressing it.
Melissa R