The Daily Groove
Have a NICE day!
by Scott Noelle, posted on 2006-05-26
Most of us have been thoroughly trained to be "nice." The 2-part Rule of Nice goes like this...
Part 1: Only say and do things that please others.
Part 2: If you feel like saying or doing something that might possibly displease someone, see Part 1.
So, to obey the Rule of Nice at all times, you have to get pretty good at not being authentic. But being inauthentic is not very nice, so the only way to win this game is not to play it!
Children are naturally authentic, which means they often aren't "nice." You're supposed to pressure them to obey the Rule of Nice, but wouldn't it be nicer to let them inspire you to be more authentic?
What is "authentic"?
A reader sent me this question:
Yes. Or better put: true to your Self (capital 'S'). You are most authentic when you are aligned with your soul, your "Higher Self."
It can be tricky, because you may at times "feel like" smacking your child, and you might think, "Wouldn't it be 'authentic' for me to be true to my feelings and smack the little shit?"
The answer is that it's good to honor your feelings, and such honoring will lead you to your Authentic Self, but you don't need to act out the images associated with the feeling in order to move in the direction of authenticity.
Likewise, you can appreciate a person's beauty, and even be turned on by it, but that doesn't mean you're inauthentic if you choose not have to have sex with every person you find attractive! You're a multi-faceted person, so your authentic choices will involve many considerations and desires.
You can "feel like" lashing out at your child, and honor that feeling — let it guide your inner process — while at the same time honoring your authentic desire to experience loving kindness with your child. Out of that multi-faceted honoring will come many creative ideas for ways to respond that feel more authentic.