A reader responded:

That just doesn’t feel like enough to me. I want to model that I know I've hurt him.

He wants you to model unconditional well-being — to remind him (not verbally, but through your knowing) that he IS okay even if he is temporarily in pain. The idea that he will feel more right if you make your behavior wrong is a cultural distortion. He has nothing to gain from having a mother who is wrong. He wants a mother who is empowered and knows that her worthiness is not diminished when she falls short of her ideals.

I want to mirror/model that I recognise that its not OK and I want to say sorry (which is said from love not unworthiness).

He wants to know that it IS okay to make mistakes. When truly "said from love," you feel love for yourself, too, and when you love yourself unconditionally, you know it's okay to make mistakes.

...In apologising I am making a stand for what is important to me — so that in the end its about me, not him. I am saying to myself this is who I want to be, and then I am mirroring that to my child.

Good. That sounds like what I wrote in my message. The key distinction is... Are you really taking a stand for what you value, or are you taking a stand against what you did?

Another reader asked:

Can you give us some examples of how a parent could phrase these? Say for example, after having "lost it" and yelled or gotten overly upset with one's child.

I totally love the reminder that the vibe matters more than the words. I have to always remember to check that first.

Therein lies the problem with your request: If you were to go with my idea of a "correct" phrasing, you'd be bypassing your personal "vibe-check." The words really don't matter, and you don't really need to explain yourself or use words at all.

But if you feel strongly that some explanation would help, you'll probably want to avoid judgmental words like "wrong" and "bad" and give more airtime to your positive vision: "The way I really want to be with you is...."

Oh, where to start...?

I love this, even the phrase "positive apology" is helping. Sidesteps the quicksand of shame and guilt. Too add to it, for me, it helps to give voice to things, like "I really don't think any good can come from shaming, I really really do not like to see your head hang (breaks my heart!) because I yelled at you for hitting your little brother. I love the light in your eyes! And I love your little brother happy too. I don't like seeing him hurt, and for a moment I let myself forget who we all really are, that we really love each other..."

That's a start anyway. From there I might go into "I love being loving to you, it's one of my favorite things! I love seeing you happy! It's wonderful too when our whole family is happy together! I love remembering how you shared your trains with your little brother yesterday, how you showed him how the tracks snapped together, and how much fun you had... I've seen you be so loving to him... you were upset because for a moment you didn't feel loved by him (he destroyed your incredible lego creation!)... he didn't mean to break your creation, he just thought what you made was so cool... I'm guessing you want to be able to share with him without him destroying things!... you want to feel safe with him..."

This is going pretty good, but I admit this is one place where I may get stymied, because older brother (8) may still be fuming and tear-ing and declaring he wished he never had a little brother (and probably is not able to absorb anything positive I have to say, though my steady vibe may help, allow him to flow through his emotions), and little brother (3 1/2) is crying and calling his older bros "stupid!" (a phrase ironically picked up from older bros).

I usually work through it by seperating them, helping older bros rebuild his lego creation, asserting (grin) that he always builds things better every time and this new creation will be better (and it really always is). I may have to cuddle w/my younger babe a bit, or distract him with a toy or cartoon or even a sucker, whatever helps him shift back to his happy self. ***IF I have the time! *** (Now this is where I really get stymied!) IF the 1 yr old is not crying now too over all the commotion (they woke her up!), IF I wasn't already trying to get out the door for my 6 yr old's skate lesson, IF I wasn't needed by the puddin' thickening on the stove, IF I wasn't already trying to process and shift some other stressful thing (a bill due, the piles of laundery, my mate's muddy foot prints on my mopped floor)... You get the idea. That's when I find myself reverting to coercive stuff, like "just go to your room for now and I'll be there as soon as I can..." which feels so yucky. Babies crying, food cooking, a clock ticking... and I'm trying to get positive! LOL!

Perhaps what I need is an apology that gets more to the heart of the matter after everything settles down, after the "immediate fixes", so the same issues don't keep cropping up (kids fighting w/each other, me getting frustrated). I want to stay centered, loving, I want them to love each other, be considerate, have happy interactions (and they do a lot of the time). I don't want them to hit each other (it cannot be!), and I surely do not want to resort to anger and blame and shaming because I do not have anything else in my "immediate fix" arsenal.

So when I move into a positive apology, I want it to be transformative long-term too. I think that's why I'm needing to give voice to all the bits involved, why the other mother that commented was saying she needed to state what was "wrong" when she apologized, so we can better avoid those negative places (which I know (at least conceptually) doesn't work). I'm processing here, so forgive the long "comment", but I think what I'm getting at is that the positive apology does help us all re-connect, be happy, let go of the bad stuff and embrace the good again in our now, and I know that is everything, but... I think I'm still wanting it to do a bit more, perhaps fix the future! LOL! But at the very least make it easier to sidestep the same issue, the same negative place. What happens next time my 3 yr old simply must play w/my 8 yr olds lego creation? (We've worked on having my older son learn to put those kind of things up where they can't be reached, but that's an incomplete solution, and has led to "blaming" my older boy for forgetting, yuck). How can we use a positive apology, from me for my overwhelmed and negative reaction (I want to be a happy, wise, calm, understanding, supportive, life-affirming mother!) and from my sons to each other (which hopefully they will do naturally, simply reconnecting), to shift these seemingly simple and common issues that have this over-the-top ability to wreck our day?

Perhaps we can use them to simply have us clarify what we want? (My 8 yr old can do this with me, we can work towards specifics. My 3 yr old... he's happy with happy when he's happy.) Restate it when we need to? Look more for that "third" solution (where both boys can have what they want, and I can too)? Within the apology affirm there is a way we may not see yet for all of us to be happy together, even when legos are involved? To be open to it?

And can this be used in the moment, when things are going "bad"? I'm guessing a positive apology is better used later, and tools like "diversion" and "seperation" and "restating desires" are better in the moment. Ah - I know this about so much more than apologies, but it all weaves together for me, and I really want to get this shifted, I want more joy in our days!

This is good, I'm flowing here, thinking in very constructive terms. Thank you so much for the safe space to process, share, get feedback. I am sure I will be chewing on this from this direction all day now, and that's gotta be good !

Dawn

Dawn in the World of WI
Mother of Four & More
***ARTIST*WRITER***

Keep in mind that my concept of "positive apology" is not offered as a fix-it technique. Rather, it's a part of a bigger picture: the paradigm shift from the dominator/scarcity/competitive worldview to a partnership/abundance/creative worldview.

In other words, the above message is simply the answer to the question, "What would an apology look like from the new worldview? How would you apologize in a culture that is pleasure-oriented and no one is committed to being 'right' or making anyone 'wrong'?"

I'm wanting to be able to better shift in my everyday life when it gets hectic. Perhaps I am trying to use the positive apology as a "fix-it" to help that happen, to have it be more than an "I'm ok you're ok" moment. Seems to me this would be the perfect time to state new desires and intentions, starting with the desire to have things run smoother all the time in our home so the stressed moments rarely pop up, to choose patience always when they do, to affirm that I choose to truly embrace my children and be co-creators with them. But I get what you are saying - something in that seems to speak to there being "wrongs" to right. In the moment of positive apology we are reclaiming our "ok" status, and we go straight to being, well, okay. We don't need to fix any wrongs to get there.

But... there has to be a positive intention, focus... that does require looking specifically at what I want to be different, where my desires lie for myself and my family, and setting my sites on it. I am not disagreeing with you, I completely agree with you actually, just trying to get it absorbed into my everyday life in a very real way. Maybe I just need to get a few things outta the way in my head first... (And now I'm thinking that might be the overzealous need to always be "making" things "better" rather than just accepting they already are...)

And to clarify, I'm not feeling the question, not really wondering, "what would it look like?" though I can see in retrospect why'd you'd think that. I did show what I might think or say - I was bridging with that, going from feeling crappy to thinking better, so obviously I was trying to accomplish something (to feel better, vibe better, get to love). I was also processing a lot, trying to get things out of my head and into words so I could even see them - I apologize for being over-wordy, for not taking time to edit. I am more isolated than I want to be, and it does help me to have others to discuss these issues with. I may pour thoughts like a pent-up Niagra Falls for awhile...

My mind is feeling all twisty (it's at the bottom of the falls right now). I'll leave it at that for now, and float a bit. We're going on a candlelit hike tonight - perhaps I'll have an AHA moment!

Smiles,
Dawn

Dawn in the World of WI
Mother of Four & More
***ARTIST*WRITER***