The Daily Groove
Get In a Receiving Mode: An Example
by Scott Noelle, posted on 2006-10-18
(Continued from here)
Your child has forgotten to flush the toilet for the umpteenth time this week, and you're feeling increasingly frustrated.
Your child can feel your expectation of continued frustration. S/he is naturally cooperative and will continue to meet your unspoken expectation until you put yourself in a receiving mode:
1. Assume that what you want is already on its way.
"My child knows what I want, and it's only a matter of time before s/he gets it down. (Literally!) With my emotional cross-currents out of the way, s/he'll easily settle into a new competency that s/he can feel good about..."
2. Enjoy your expectation of satisfaction and silently give thanks in advance.
"I feel good now when I imagine my child successfully forming a good habit. The success is not just the outcome but the whole process, which has already begun. I'm grateful that all I have to do is 'find the feeling place' of having what I truly want, and my child will naturally tend to align with it..."
3. Be willing to wait "forever" for the answer/fulfillment.
"I create satisfaction from within, unconditionally, so there's no hurry. I can actually enjoy waiting and witnessing the unfolding process. I like the whole story, not just the last chapter. The fulfillment is just the icing on the cake!"
Does that mean you'll never again remind your child to flush? No. But if/when you do, it won't feel like nagging or pleading; it'll be an expression of your positive expectation.
frustration with hitting
I read this and I have to say that I do not have faith that it works in real life applications. (I want to believe!)
For example I am tired of being hit by my 3.5 year old. Up until this morning I believed that if I was calm when he hit me and told him that I didn't like it, then he would eventually stop. I have not used any "punishments." But this morning he really irritated me when he popped me right in the face. Out of my mouth came the warning that next time he hit me, he would have a toy taken away. (I have never done this ever.)
I don't want things to go this way but I don't know what else to do and I am tired of being hit.
Sally
Hitting, or when someone is getting hurt
I agree; it can be incredibly frustrating when your child or someone else is hurting someone (or you!) and it continues no matter what you try. For me, this has worked in this kind of situation, if I combine different ideas. For example, being in a receiving mode and communicating clearly that I'm not okay with being hurt can be combined with a "time-in" (or your own personalized version). In this situation you get to be creative since you are the person he's hitting! hth (:
Re: frustration with hitting
Hi Sally... It sounds like you're somewhat misunderstanding the concept. Try this angle...
In the receiving mode, you're focused on what you want (not what you don't want). You're envisioning it, expecting it, anticipating how good it will feel, etc.
Being frustrated means you're in an asking mode — even if you're donning a calm exterior. You're more focused on what you DON'T want, and you're inadvertently exacerbating the problem by getting your son to focus on the unwanted behavior, too, by telling him you DON'T like it (instead of talking about what you DO like).
I'm not saying you "shouldn't" be frustrated; the feeling of frustration is your Inner Guidance calling on you to reach for a more empowering perspective. That takes time and mental effort, and many of my Daily Grooves include techniques for doing it.
When you connect with your Inner Power unconditionally, it doesn't matter what your son is doing... You just KNOW you're powerful. So you won't be offended by his hitting, and you won't see the behavior as wrong. You'll just do whatever you need to do to prevent injury in a matter-of-fact way, and your attention will quickly and easily turn towards the vision of your newly expanded desire.
You've made it clear that you DON'T want him to hit you and you DON'T want to punish him... Now put your creative mind to work clarifying what you DO want. You'll know you're getting it when your new thoughts paint a picture that feels good as you imagine it.
Looking back with humor
I remember reading this a while back, and I identified with it so much because the issue used as an example, failure to flush, was bugging me big time! I stressed over it. I would get so mad about it, and probably sort of worried - like I thought he would never ever ever remember to flush!! (I was a terrible parent who couldn't even get a child to flush! I should be more strict. I should punish him! He will never succeed in life if he can't be responsible enough to flush.) But now it is no longer an issue, and I can't say it was because of anything I did or didn't do. He just started remembering. (Although of course after reading this I probably started letting go a bit so maybe that did help.) And now I'm laughing at myself for being so worried about it. I didn't realize at the time that I was taking this small annoyance and making it into a disastrous example of my parenting flaws. I think I do that a lot.