The Daily Groove
Implicit Validation
by Scott Noelle, posted on 2006-09-20
Much is said about the importance of validating children's feelings — telling children that it's okay to feel how they feel.
What's rarely acknowledged is that children innately know their feelings are valid, so they don't need validation unless they've been previously invalidated.
When the child's inherent sense of worthiness is intact, the real beneficiary of explicit validating is the parent whose feelings were invalidated in childhood.
Children derive greater benefit from implicit validation, which is most powerfully expressed when we are willing to be fully present with them as they move through their emotions.
No words are needed to validate implicitly. You never say, "It's okay to be happy," you just know it's okay. So why say, "It's okay to be sad/mad/etc," if so-called "negative" emotions are just as valid as the "positive" ones?
You'll find it easier to stay present if you hold this thought: Children who have strong feelings are blessed with strong Inner Guidance.
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Re: Implicit Validation
Scott,
How do you re-validate people when they have been invalidated?
Re: Implicit Validation
Firstly, I maintain that implicit validation is generally more powerful and beneficial than explicit validation, i.e., knowing is more powerful than talking.
But there are circumstances in which a person has been so painfully invalidated that they actively continue invalidating themselves as a kind of defense mechanism. Those people may benefit from validation statements like...
Such words will be better received when accompanied by implicitly validating gestures like making eye contact, offering a hug or other supportive touch, and generally showing a willingness to be fully present with them as they are.
The pitfalls of explicit validation include...
The advantage of implicit (unspoken) validation is that you have to feel valid and at peace within yourself in order for others to infer your appreciation of their validity.
Re: Implicit Validation
I think I probably do undrstand this but just need more help integrating it. I would love some examples.
Re: Implicit Validation
Help me understand this more...
I think I am recovering from being invalidated and explicitly validated and have put a lot into trying to name and support all of ruby's feelings. I also read a lot (Aleta solter and Naomi alert and lawrence Cohen about how when children become more upset after you reflect their feelings back to them hat is because they need to release old hurts and sadness and hat it is healthy and helpful to support them through that process...I guess I am just feeling confused and would like more about his. I listened to the transcendental empathy audio already which Is helpful and sort of overwhelming since I have been validating in the traditional sense and thinking that was the most healthy thing. I do notice that sometimes she does express anger and frustration when I name her feelings and in those moments I do my best to back off and stay present. I think I just feel such a strong urge to Say something when she is so upset to let her know I am listening and understand but I suppose that she assumes that I am listening and understand and it is my own childhood baggage of not being listened toor understood that is at play....hmm..anyway, I would love some discussion about this idea. Thanks!
Rachael
mama in michigan to ruby born at home 6/09 parter to aaron since 2004