The Daily Groove

Kids Hear Your Vibe, Not Your Words

The younger your child, the more his or her interpretation of your words is based on the emotional energy they carry — your "vibe" — not the words themselves.

So if your child doesn't listen to your reasonable requests, try this: Listen to yourself as if you didn't know the language and couldn't understand the words; all you have to go by is the tone, the body language, the vibe.

Is it joyful, or heavy? Do you sound eager, or burdened? Does it feel confident, or ambivalent? Is your life a groove, or a grind?

If your vibe is heavy, your joy-oriented child will naturally (and wisely!) tune you out.

Try being silent until you feel centered, connected, and in the Flow. When you speak from that place, you'll emanate an attractive vibe and your child will want to align with you.

Comments (closed)


Why is it wise for you to have a child tune you out if they don't like the tone? Why does my tone always have to be happy and bubblily? Some times life isn't happy and bubblily, and I have to get that message across. If something upset me or something terrible happened, why am I suppose to be cheerful? How is that helpful to the child?

Heather in Tucson


The wisdom is that of Mother Nature herself. Nature wisely designed us to feel pleasure when our thoughts, words and actions are authentic and aligned with our best interests.

(Nature's pleasure principle has been severely distorted by our culture, and a detailed discussion is beyond the scope of this comment. [More here.])

The pre-enculturated child, whose pleasure orientation is still more-or-less intact, simply cannot tune in to an adult who is orienting on fear and scarcity. They're on different wavelengths, so to speak.

You don't "have to" be happy, bubbly, or anything. The question is: Do you want to teach your child that adult life is often a drag, or would you rather let your child teach you that life doesn't have to be such a drag?

Terrible things never happen in reality. Things happen, and then people interpret them as terrible. If enough people believe in the terribleness, it's deemed "real."

Children have no pre-existing judgments when they come into the world, so they don't experience as terrible most of the things we find terrible. Dumping grape juice on white carpet isn't terrible; flushing your wedding ring down the toilet isn't terrible; a rainy day isn't terrible; etc.

Again, you aren't "supposed to" be cheerful, but if you deliberately reach for an interpretation of events that feels better to you, that would benefit both you and your child. You'd be modeling the Art of Unconditionality — making the best of whatever life presents to you.

Still not getting it I guess

Ok, I guess I just don't get it. LOL I understand that terrible things are just things that happen. And it is my choice to see them and relay them to my child as terrible, but as an example... my dd's chicken was killed by the neighbor's dog... that was pretty terrible, to us it was anyway. How do you bring something like that up and not sound upset?

Heather in Tucson

Honor your process

I would not suggest that you pretend to feel other than you do. It's okay to be upset. But you may want to find a way to express or work through your feelings that doesn't teach your children they "should" be similarly upset.

You start by recognizing that the source of your upset is not the dead chicken. You are upset because you hold beliefs about death that limit your natural feeling of connection to Life.

When you get to the point of knowing that death is not bad, and that Life Energy never ceases (it only changes form), then you will not feel so upset when a beloved animal dies. It'll be more like how you feel when a good movie ends and you wish it would go on: mostly you feel appreciative of the goodness.

Meanwhile, there is no need to hide your process of learning to transcend limiting beliefs. Your children will benefit from seeing you reach for empowerment and achieve it from the inside out.